One more thing about the mumsnet feminism panel.

There's been a lot of talk about feminism, choice, insecurity, motherhood, identity etc in relation to this. What there hasn't been is some mention of just how horrible an experience this was for the panelists and how those in the audience should have shown more empathy and understanding. I want to say this now because I'm still upset and anxious and yes, it's a question of etiquette that I think needs covering. If it makes you happy that you've upset me, fine. What a wonderful person you are. If not, maybe you can think a little harder about your actions.

No one on the panel chose the title of the session. Guess what, the precise wording might have annoyed us, too! We might have thought "oh, but there's still so much to say about this, when there's so much we can still achieve". You didn't have to enter the room if the title annoyed you. You didn't have to listen. You didn't have to draw attention to yourself. Whatever I said or didn't say would have no impact on your life. I, on the other hand, am not a public speaker. I'm not a media person. I've never sat in such a big hall in front of so many people in my life. Even if I was, did I or any of the other panelists deserve such treatment? Did it never cross your mind that if we were being calm and non-aggressive, you should be, too? Did it never cross your mind that whatever spiel you'd planned out in your head having seen the title might not actually match up with what was actually being said? Were you so desperate to get things off your chest that you just thought "fuck how they feel"? Do you, basically, think it is okay for me to have to sit in front of a room of 400 women, defending what they do to those who don't get it, while members of the audience tweet insults that will appear in massive letters above my head and giggle amongst themselves? Because, actually, it wasn't okay. It was cruel.

I entered and left the event fully in favour of women writing about their lives as mothers. I went some way to persuading Charlotte Raven than this was a worthwhile pursuit. What was the most offensive thing I said? That I didn't enjoy writing an Ecover review? Well, I didn't. I still wrote it. I wanted to say "I don't consider myself above doing reviews". I wanted (although I never got the chance) to ask how on earth it could be wrong for women to make unpaid labour pay? Sod "commercialising" childhood. I never got the chance to say all this because people were too busy tearing strips off Sarah Ditum. Unless you sit there and perform the basic role of a mummy cheerleader it seems you're in the wrong. There's no desire for self-examination. No willingness to admit that yes, you own your narratives, but you need to think of the impact they have on others.

I don't think people who think this is some amusing little scandal or some hilarious punishment for the uppity feminists get how frightening this was. I don't need to explain my own state of mind or needs to strangers for them to know they shouldn't treat me or anyone else in a way that could cause major anxiety. I just shouldn't have to. But anyhow, I've tried to all the same. Carry on tweeting whatever crap you like about it. I know you still will and I know I'll still feel frightened by it all.

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