LEFFEN#0 · @TSM_Leffen

21st Mar 2013 from TwitLonger

Hey again, I've been off the radar for quite some while now, mostly due to the fact that I've almost quit smash entirely, shifted my focus to Marvel vs Capcom 3 as my main game, been banned/removed from most Smash channels (including smashboards ???) but more importantly there is another reason which I'll get into further detail later.

This will probably be my very last post on this matter, so please don't harass me further about this matter. This is a very long post, but hopefully some will read it all the way through. It is also very likely to suffer from grammar and spelling mistakes :>

First off, I'd like to start by thanking everyone that has supported me through my troubles. Whether it was by sending some encouraging words in during the rough times, supporting my side or just helping me improve as a person via helpful critique (regardless if you were for the ban or not) I just want to tell you that I really appreciate it. I hope that I eventually can become a person who goes the extra mile to help someone else out just like you guys did to me.

Secondly, be aware of the fact that these will be highly personal matters that I'll be writing about. It has been requested over and over again that I should do it this way, and I feel that my personal life has already been delved into so I might as well finish it.

So I wanna start this out by just telling everybody how sorry I am for the horrible things I've done. Theres no other way to say it, really. I have behaved very badly to many people, often seemingly without any reason to.
In the past another terrible thing that I've done is to after I've been confronts me over the net I always try to make seem like, at least partly, others were in the wrong, which even if that was true (which it often was not) it does not make what I did right.

I want to try to explain my self, mind you, I'm not trying to excuse anything, but I don't feel like I can sincerely apologize while not telling people the reason that I did it in the first place.
The reason I started doing the insulting, harassing and just overall being a jerk to people in the first place was because for over two years now I've been suffering from serious depression, suicidal thoughts and various anxiety issues, which has aside from getting me hated by most people in the smash scene also forced me to quit school for more than a year among other things to deal with it.

Smash, and starting drama over Smashboards were one of the main things that let me think about something else than how much I hated life on this earth, and once I started I couldn't break this horrible pattern, even though I honestly knew how terrible I was acting.
I did not act like a jerk to everyone, quite a lot of people seem to have an good experience with me and I had to tried really hard to try to act friendly and happy, but to the people I didn't like for various reasons I just couldn't bother to keep the act, and instead just let out everything on them, even though they didn't deserve a tenth of it.

I have been constantly struggling with this for a long time now, and really tried to better myself, so when someone gave me critique for something, my reply made it look like I thought I was flawless and they were the worst person on the planet while really, I took (and take) every little thing to heart.

When I was warned about being banned, I did the same thing, and on the internet I made it look like I really didn't care, but I really tried to change after that, and several people have claimed that I've gotten a lot better after the warning. This went along with me finally getting better at dealing with my depression, but there were, and still are, times where I struggle and in those cases I slipped, wrote on smashboards, and just acted like a jerk all over again.

When the ban came around the way it did, I acted horribly. All the heat I was receiving made me slip into depression again, this time thinking about Smash was not a relief, it was a poison.

I tried very hard to look past all the insults and the hate and take the good criticism, which I really have tried to apply, but on the boards I was again more focused on highlighting others flaws rather than I apologizing for the wrongs that I did and making it apparent that I was trying to change. I was already painfully aware of how flawed I was, so I kept saying "I'll write about it soon".
I still have a hard time just thinking about Smash nowadays because of everything its now connected with, and I hope that others will respect this and stop harassing me about this matter.

I haven't really told anyone about this part of my personal life, since I really did not thing it was anyones business, but I feel like I've gotten to the point where its better to just let it all out.

So now that my sob story is fleshed out, lets get on to the next part.
The people behind the ban have requested me to confess everything I've done, which I honestly, cannot do, because I do simply not remember every little thing I've done during a time of my life that I'm trying to forget. However, I'll do my best.

First off, I wanna apologize to Rocky. While I had any real interaction with him for a long time before the ban, I never really said sorry.
When I entered the smash scene, a lot of people I looked up to and were friends with the were insulting and just talking shit about Rocky, which then led me to do the same thing, even though I honestly felt very bad for how he was treated. I know, its very generic, but looking back I really just did it to fit in. The biggest truths aren't unique and spectacular, I guess. And, once I started with the bullying of Rocky it just became worse and worse and when he finally had enough and started fighting back I couldn't stop.
Even when my personal life got better I managed to at least stop openly hating you for a while, I was honestly just not man enough to apologize for what I did. I hope that I can somehow make what I did up to you.
I'm extremely sorry for what I did to you, I just don't know what more there is I can say, because thats the heart of it. I am just so sorry.

After that, I wanna apologize to Mike haggar. Even though our hate was often mutual, I was the one that really started it, and I was the one that went over the line several times. I did everything in my power to make myself look better than Mikehaggar after our open debates, and I resorted giving out very sensitive personal informations, deceiving and lying to make him look worse and me better. I don't really know what to confess about, all I can think I have been openly accused of along with my ban, and even though I'm not certain that everything went down the way you think, I have acted badly enough that I'll happily take the blame and confess off anything you accuse me of. I would love to talk to you and explain myself further if there is something specific you want me to confess or apologize for, and you are free to post that if you feel the need to.

I am really sorry for how awful I acted towards you, and I really hope that I can make it up to you.

Lastly, I just want to apologize to everyone online that I've treated badly. You are to many to name, but you know who you are. It won't happen again, and I'm sorry.

I guess that is more or less it, this became way longer than I expected it to be. The last thing I want to do is to humbly ask for one, last chance, to prove that I've changed, so that I can continue to improve myself and really put this part of my life in the past. I will do anything for it to be over, because I can't stand the way things are right now.

Thank you for reading.


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