HERE IS THIS WEEK'S "MR WRONG" COLUMN
I worked at my job for another whole year and did not use up all of my Vacation, which for many Gainfully Employed people is like “OK, I didn’t use ‘em all, so I have extra days-off stashed for next year,” however, at my job they don’t feature the “carryover” idea, so I lose the unused days of Vacancy, which makes me what I believe is called a “Value Employee,” i.e., a Sucker, to wit: a worker who ends up costing less to pay because they are working when they should be vacating, so basically they are working free, over however many Vacation days they failed to consume.
So now I’m in a bad fucking mood, because when people are counting backwards on New Year’s Eve before the ball drops or whatever, all I’m gonna be thinking about is the fucking money I just flushed down the goddamn 2012 toilet by reverse-earning my vacation into the Value-hopper for my employer, and it’s completely mea culpa, you know?
No offense to my job and stuff, but I need to figure out a way to take all my fucking vacation so I’m not being more Productive or whatever, you know? I mean, I’m no Communist, but this year I was a little too good at providing according to my Ability for those who really didn’t have a Need, see?
Next year, assuming I don’t get fired or win big on scratch-offs, I am making doubleplus sure to use up all my Vacation, and this Plan also is really nice for maximizing time off due to Legal Holidays. I will enjoy a day off before or after any US Holiday, which is a good way for me to not forget to take the day off. Looking at the US HOLIDAYS calendar my Google calendar thing, I will take an extra day off right after NEW YEAR’S DAY, which is a Holiday that I, like many Productive Americans, get a paid day off for. OK, one in a row! Also in January, there is MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY, a solemn Holiday, on the 21st, but I don’t get that day off from work, which means I will take the day itself as a vacation day, so now that’s two days.
Wow, February has a buttload of potential Vacation days! First there is GROUNDHOG DAY, a Day I have always maintained should be a Holiday, so I will Observe that day, but since it falls on a Saturday this year, I will not deduct it from my official Vacation Day total, yet I will ensure to perform no productive work on Saturday (making it no different from other days, hiyo), on account of I don’t truck with that whole “Monday Holiday” bullshit. The day of the thing should be the Holiday of the thing, period. Anyway, what are you doing for Groundhog day? You should plan something festive! I wish roast groundhog made sense, because it would be fun to eat last year’s symbolic Groundhog, and begin the meal with “You fucked up, dude, we had ten more weeks of Winter!” Or we could just have a spiral-ham or something, I dunno.
LINCOLN’S BIRTHDAY is February 12, and I don’t get that day off from work either, so I will be Vacant on February 12, and assuming it’s on DVD or Pay-Per by then, maybe that’s when I’ll get around to finally watching that recent Lincoln movie by Steven Spielberg, even though it doesn’t have any rockets or alien planets or Karate or anything in it. I’m sure it’s a good movie for many other reasons, and I will enjoy my day off in its honor, even if it turns out I don’t have time to fit a screening into my teevee viewing that day. I mean, it’s a weekday, so there’s The Price is Right, and my story, The Young and The Restless, and Maury is probably gonna be one of those “Paternity Test Results” episodes—if it isn’t a “Lie Detector Test Results” episode—and those are alway pretty good, so, what with a late breakfast (I do not rise early on Vacation) immediately followed by a long lunch, further combinated with an early call for Cocktail Hour, and a nap in there someplace, there might not be a lot of time in the schedule for an Educational film, but I will check it out at some point, seriously.
After all that mess is VALENTINE’S DAY on February 14th, and then PRESIDENTS DAY, which is, was, supposed to be about WASHINGTON’S BIRTHDAY, and now, even though it’s supposed to be punctuated as PRESIDENT’S DAY, it is perceived as an agglomeration of different Presidents being Observed for a Holiday, so The People won’t get pissed they aren’t getting Lincoln’s Birthday off, but really you should go look at the Wikipedia for this bullshit because trying to process that George Washington’s real birthday is on February 11 or February 22 because of the “Annunciation” style of calendar as opposed to the “Gregorian” or something is making my fucking head hurt. I really earned this Vacation Day, I’m not kidding, join me that day for Presidential Elevenses, U.S.-style, won’t you?
Moving into March, DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME BEGINS, which I think should be a National Holiday because so many people get screwed up by “Spring Forward” and “Fall Behind” stuff, will be my next Vaca-Holiday. We The People should get a day off to adjust! It will enhance productivity, I believe.
SAINT PATRICK’S DAY is problematical in that it is not really a day people get off from work, plus it is a day traditionally devoted to Alcohol Abuse, which of course, should be every day for the dedicated Alcohol Enthusiast. For my new plan of Maximum Vacation Use, March 17, the day of St. Patrick, probably isn’t really when I should be taking a day off, you know? To recover? So I will take the 17th, but I will also require Tuesday, March 18 as my St. Patrick’s Day After, brought to you by Old Bushmills.
CONTINUED NEXT WEEK: PART II: EASTER & BEYOND
HERE IS THIS WEEK'S "MR WRONG" COLUMN