So @CapAmerica & I are at the bar… jukebox playing some 70's era ZZ Top. Not that MTV era bullshit like "Legs".. no, I'm hearin' "Tush". Paul, the bartender is one snooty fucker.. though lucky for him, we share the same tastes on beers, liquors, & music. Steve Rogers seems to appreciate the atmosphere..
Like I said before: he’s a modern-day Rip Van Winkle. Guy was frozen in ice while decades & generations zipped by.. Nick Fury, Dum Dum Dugan & I remember those days, but we got to watch history peculiarly while Steve had that temporary dirtnap of his before the original Avengers found him.
We met a long time ago… in fact, I was sent to kill him. But I saw a natural born leader, & believed in him. Even at a time when my morality was so screwed up, I was compelled to take notice.Steve, his sidekick Bucky, & I fought the Nazis.. but too much happened while he was suspended in ice.
Steve & I have little in common… but we’re tied by circumstances.
Right now we're ordering round after round.. He's a bit disappointed the jukebox doesn't play Bing Crosby.. & doesn't recognize the tunes I put on the Cue. He slept through Led Zeppelin, Johnny Cash, Hank Williams Sr. (not his son.. the "Are you ready for some football" guy. God no).
San Diego Chargers are playing a shitty game as usual.. getting their asses handed to 'em by the San Fransisco 49ers.. the Chargers may as well bend over & say "It's lubed up & ready, fellas". Lucky for him, Steve is apathetic about the NFL.. he's got something else on his mind.
@CapAmerica: "I’ve spent the whole day in the library the week I woke up.. read about the Civil Rights movement, Vietnam, the Cuban Missile crisis, JFK.. it’s strange how this country, & the whole world was at war with itself & continues to be that way.."
Hmmm
@CapAmerica: "Idealism seems to have been diminishing too.. black & white slowly blending into grays. It's been years since I woke up, but the adjustment process doesn't seem to be ending anytime soon.."
Me: "Steve… you’re in the doghouse again, ain’t you?"
@CapAmerica: "What?"
Me: "Whenever you’re depressed of melancholic, it’s usually related to Sharon Carter. You were thrown in the doghouse before Nick called you about chasing lil ol’ me."
(Steve’s facial expression is a reluctant “damn, you’re good”.
My gut was telling me Steve was having trouble in the sexin' up department. Quite frankly, I'm even surprised he knows what sex is... I'm sure gets some, but I can totally imagine some chick riding his dick and he’s sitting there spoutin’ some random patriotic sayings in lieu of appropriate grunting.
He’d be like a stiff action figure that has a button you’d push that’d let him say some random shit while that stiff dick is just there getting sat on & sat up from before getting sat on again & again.
“Don’t ask what your country can do for you, but ask what you can do for your country”
“Ten, Hut!!”
“I will get you, Red Skull”
“We land in Normandy in approx. 30 mins.”
“What year is this?”
"This is made in Japan??"
"BUCKY! Nooooo".
Me: "We've got plenty of time to discuss life... but you're in the doghouse for being a sexual prude."
@CapAmerica "Watch it, Logan..."
Me: "Just sayin'. Before I give you some sexy ass tips on how to get Sharon on your side again.. tell me, Steve: how DID Nick get all of SHIELD to chase after me for such a stupid lil annoyance on my part in terms of not catching inaccurate motion pictures about you.. 'fellow Avengers'?"
@CapAmerica: "To be honest… the only guys who took that mission seriously were Tony & Thor. Tony became really good friends with Jon Favreau & Robert Downey Jr.. "
Me: "HMM"
@CapAmerica: "They got him 20% on the back-end, but to be honest… they really waxed his ego & made him look good."
Me: "Well… yeah. Downey Jr.’s Tony is a hell of a lot more interesting than the real life one. Our guy is just a sterile right-winger."
@CapAmerica: "He’s voting Obama on the next election.."
Me: "Serious shit?"
@CapAmerica:: "Yeah… Favreau & Downey took him to dinner with the President.. they apparently hit it off… him & Obama even played ping-pong together.."
Me: "Hm."
@CapAmerica:: "Obama even let him sleep on Lincoln’s lap for two nights straight.."
Me: "What the fuck?"
@CapAmerica:: "Lincoln’s statue’s lap… he got a kick out of that."
Me: "Shit.."
@CapAmerica:: "I know…"
Me: "That Obama guy.. like him or not, he's a smooth motherfucker…"
(Steve shrugs)
Me: "What was Thor’s motivation?"
Cap: "He’s just happy they made a movie about him, period."
Me: And what’s Nick’s angle…
@CapAmerica: "Nick needed to justify SHIELD’s budget. His argument was that your lack of cooperation with the Avengers Initiative’s media & entertainment branch is jeopardizing National Security. You weren’t out promoting our films & projects, so you needed to be brought in…"
Me: "… which means SHIELD agents get work & stay busy, rather than twiddle their thumbs & get downsized.."
@CapAmerica: "Exactly."
Me: "Still… That’s a flimsy fucking excuse, Bub… couldn’t he come up with something better to chase me with?"
@CapAmerica: "Hey… it’s just as viable as the excuse Bush gave for Iraq."
(He’s got a point).
Me: Alright… so: why’s Sharon mad at you?
@CapAmerica:: beats me.
Me: "What do you remember?"
@CapAmerica: "Not going to talk about it."
Me: "C’mon…"
Cap: "It’s none of your business, Logan.."
Me: "It’s sex related."
Cap is pausing
Cap: "She’s not satisfied with our sex life."
Me: "Ah.."
Cap:" If you say of a word of this to anyone… I’ll take my adamantium Shield & crack your adamantium skull with it."
Me: "Don’t worry pal… (I think he’s going to kill me for tweeting about this.. sorry Steve)."
@CapAmerica: "She always keeps tyring to vary positions up…"
Me: "Please don’t tell me you’re only doing it missionary.."
@CapAmerica: "Missionary?"
Me: "The “love making position”."
Cap: "position?
Me: "How do you always have sex?"
Cap: "I can’t believe I’m talking about this with YOU…"
Me: "C’mon… soldier to soldier… brothers in arms…"
Cap: "I’m usually on top of her.. she’s facing me. Sometimes she’s on top.."
Me: "Cowgirl."
Cap: "I guess so.."
Me: "So you’ve only had sex two ways…"
Cap: "There’s more than two ways of doing it?"
(Oh boy..)
Me: "Yeah… there’s at least 101 ways…"
Cap: "I was frozen in ice since 1945… if you make fun of me I swear I WILL take my adamantium shield & ram it through your adamantium skull.."
Me: "No worries, no worries bub… just tell me, where do you want me to start? "
Cap: "Anywhere you want. Actually… I have a question: what’s the deal with vibrators?"
(Thank GOD he knows vibrators exist)
Me: "Sharon has one?"
Cap: That’s what we fought over…
(Ok, I think I know where this is headed)..
Me: "What happened exactly?"
(That’s rhetorical. I know exactly what happened..)
Cap: "We were… kissing…"
Me: "Naked, or clothed"
(Naked)
Cap: "Clothed…"
(Liar)
Cap: "Well.. this happened at the naked stage.."
(Now he’s honest)
Cap: "We were kissing… doing things…"
(Probably lots of touching, but he didn’t touch her thighs or privates… he’s too old school).
Cap: "That’s when she took out this toy that looked like an inflated pencil. I wasn’t sure what to make of it… I thought my equipment was just fine."
Me: "I see…"
Cap: "She turned it on… and it was shaking super fast. She actually wanted me to put it inside her…"
Me: "Right.."
Cap: "I swear.. we did not have that in my day. And I’m even more ashamed that I’m not accustomed to this."
Me: "It’s ok Bub…"
Cap: "I froze. I’m Captain America. I never freeze during a time of crisis."
Me: "It’s ok Bub…"
Cap: "I’m not sure if that shaking thing took me back to WWII & the sounds of machine fire…"
Me: "Alright you’re psycho babbling now.."
Cap: "Sort of."
Me: "Listen: she knows who you are & where you came from… you open to at least using that toy on her next time?"
Cap: "I guess. I’m aware I have a lot of catching up to do as far as what people in the 21st century are into. But.. this shouldn’t be a big deal on paper. Like I said, I’m just not used to this…"
Me: "So you’re open to it."
Cap: "I’m more concerned about coming off like a prude, now that I think about it."
Me: "Don’t worry bub… Sharon’s a big girl. She’s not expecting you to please her private parts with electronics made at Stark International right off the bat…"
Cap: "Tony makes sex toys?"
Me: "Yep… and his vibrators are the only ones powered by the nuclear reactor that powers up that thingie on his chest."
Cap: "Interesting…"
Me: "Those towers that you see all over NY & LA ain’t just for cell phone reception. They power up every Stark International made electronics…"
Cap: "Interetsing…"
Me: "Are you open minded enough to try something else out while having that shaking toy inside her?"
Cap: "Wait.. so I’m supposed to be handling that… thing.. while she’s getting pleasured by it?"
Me: "It’s called “being open minded” for a reason..
(Dude looks like he's ready to squirm)
Cap: Ok…
Me: "Think of it as warming her up."
Cap: "Got it.."
Me: "Try rubbing that shaking toy all over the lips down there… taking your sweet time while it’s shaking real fast. Up, down & around…"
Cap: Ok….
Me: Have it hit the clitorous, then slowly go down…
Cap: Ok…
Me: "Then see if you can start giving her oral."
Cap: HM.
Me: "I’m not kidding,
Cap: "I know…"
Me: "Keep pressing your tongue against the lip while it’s getting hit by that shakey thing…"
Cap: "Uh-huh.."
Me: "Gotta keep steady & focused.. it’s all about hitting the same spot while it’s vibrating.. "
(suddenly the jukebox’s volume is lowered… buncha eavesdroppers).
Me: "Keep moving that shaking thing around the lips.. outer & inner.. before it goes down to where it needs to be. Keep doing that thing with the tongue.."
Cap: "I see.."
Me: "Then when it’s insider her.. it’ll keep shaking, you just keep hitting the upper clitorous with that tongue of yours. Keep doin' that.. before you dedicate your tongue & whole lower-lip to that area. Once you take the toy out, you're essentially french kissing down there..."
The Bartender: "Jesus Christ, Logan… I can't fucking believe you're teaching Captain America how to eat a girl out.."
Me: "Mind your own business & get me another Scotch, Paul.."
Bartender: "Perverted, hairy motherfucker.."
(Snooty son-of-a-bitch.. you're lucky you serve the best Whiskey)
Cap: It's ok, Logan... once I'm done being traumatized by your voice instructing me on on how to please Sharon.. I'll process it all & try it out..
Me: Sounds good, Bub...
(we all pause for a minute. Then...)
Cap: "By the way, who’s Chaz Bono?"
Me: "Sonny & Cher’s daughter… or was. Now he’s their son."
Cap: "Hm."
Me: "Wait… you mean Nick Fury got the idea for the race change operation from watching Dancing with the Stars?"
Cap: "Hmm… maybe. I know he was busy watching that when I got back from Berlin."
Me. "That fucking weirdo."
Cap: "Aren’t you being judgemental towards" Transsexuals?
Me: "No.. Nick’s the fucking weirdo for watching Dancing with the Stars."
Bartender: "If you keep talkin’ about Dancing with the Stars I swear I’ll throw you out of here or die trying, Logan."
Me: "Relax… you make the best John Collins. Not gonna kill ya."
Cap: "You’ve got strong opinions about that show..
Me: "It’s got lame celebrities who can’t dance for shit. And dancing partners who try to keep up with these celebs’ inadequacy on the dance floor… fucking ridiculous."
(Cap is laughing pretty hard. Proceeds to try to pay for his Whiskey Sours)
Cap: "Here, Sir…."
Bartender: "It’s on the house, Captain. Always is… but if you can get Logan to shut the fuck up about his sex life & Dancing with the Stars.. you’d be the Dalai Lama, Mother Theresa, & Ghandi rolled into one."
Me: "Watch it, Paul…"
Bartender: "I’m just sick of hearing about your dick & trying to not jerk off so you can fight better.."
(Cap’s laughing to tears… Steve needed that).
Cap: "Can I ask you a question?"
Me: "Is that rhetorical? Ask away…"
Cap: "What did I miss.. besides generalized history and updated sex techniques?"
Me: "A buncha shit…"
Cap: "Like?"
Me: "Got more time, Cap’n?"
Cap: "Sharon’s mad at me…. So unless Dr. Doom or somebody does something, then Yeah.. I’ve got time."
Me:"… where do you wanna start?"
Cap: "Anywhere."
Me: "Let’s start with Bill Haley & the Comets…"
