Apparently, Charlie Sheen has been fired from Two and a Half Men. As an act of pure selflessness, I would like to volunteer my services to step into his role, so that millions of fans around the world will not be disappointed.

Finding myself in this generous state, I will forego contract negotiations and merely assume the unfinished contract of Mr. Sheen, himself.

Also, in an effort to bring a Sheen-esque quality to my portrayal, so as not to disrupt viewer appreciation, I will commence using cocaine in quantities large enough to challenge the national output of Columbia; fornicate with as many adult film actresses as I can afford - I may throw in underage Thai hookers, as well; commit assaults in four and five star hotels prior to trashing the hotel rooms; and finally strive to alienate and piss off not only my immediate bosses and superiors, but the entire film and television industry.

I do this, not for my own joy, but for the benefit of the millions of people who ...

Having said all this, I sincerely find it sad that such a talented guy is in such despair and decline, even if he doesn't acknowledge it or is even aware of it. I wish his family and those who care for and love him well. I hope he comes out of this.

ps. - I could also play the "half-man" of the title, as I am considered diminutive by most measures.

Humbly submitted,
Jason Alexander

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