Apparently, Charlie Sheen has been fired from Two and a Half Men. As an act of pure selflessness, I would like to volunteer my services to step into his role, so that millions of fans around the world will not be disappointed.
Finding myself in this generous state, I will forego contract negotiations and merely assume the unfinished contract of Mr. Sheen, himself.
Also, in an effort to bring a Sheen-esque quality to my portrayal, so as not to disrupt viewer appreciation, I will commence using cocaine in quantities large enough to challenge the national output of Columbia; fornicate with as many adult film actresses as I can afford - I may throw in underage Thai hookers, as well; commit assaults in four and five star hotels prior to trashing the hotel rooms; and finally strive to alienate and piss off not only my immediate bosses and superiors, but the entire film and television industry.
I do this, not for my own joy, but for the benefit of the millions of people who ...
STILL DON'T SEEM TO HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF FUCKING CHARLIE SHEEN!
Having said all this, I sincerely find it sad that such a talented guy is in such despair and decline, even if he doesn't acknowledge it or is even aware of it. I wish his family and those who care for and love him well. I hope he comes out of this.
ps. - I could also play the "half-man" of the title, as I am considered diminutive by most measures.